No Matter..

…how you whine.

…how you mourn.

…how you beat yourself up.

life will never go back like before, ever again.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Solon’s Warning

“The uncertain future has yet to come, with all variety of future; and him only to whom the divinity has guaranteed continued happiness until the end we may call happy.”

In other words, “it ain’t over til it’s over.”

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Words Along the Thinking Mind

Massive destructive thoughts been spinning in my mind past few days, causing blood rush and hasten heart beats.

I couldn’t believe the chaotic scenes that was generated but I felt relief that they didn’t come true.

Talk peace, as they listened. And I have finally said almost everything I would have said.

Still, some things bothered me as I slide these Bejeweled Blitz gems in three before I sleep.

I once thought..
those who have ears don’t listen, those who listen, do not care..

I hope it is not happening. I want to help out of help and nothing in return this time cause I love.

I hope things improve and I didn’t just spring her back into the trap and him into mindless thoughts & emotional disasters beyond control.

I have such fear of it falling apart despite I tried my best this evening, because I do not ever think ppl understand what I try to convey (I’m never good at it), I do not think ppl believe in things that I believe, for I believe in outliers. I guess I’m living in my world of my own pipe-dreams (which never happen).

Words from my mind some times doesn’t makes sense to ordinary people. I hope they don’t wake up feeling that way.

The rain at this hour seems like some kind of grievance brought from god, a setting which perfectly suits a helpless who tried his best and yet it didn’t change a thing. I hope not.

I hope they see it clearly.. And the will to do it again.

I hope they stay intact..

I hope..

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Sometimes..

..I wish I’m like my Dad, built and took care of the family and house, have the moral courage and initiatives, protecting everyone he loves.

Yet, sometimes, I’m so afraid I’m like him. A worrier who fill up his mind with negative thoughts and damage himself physically, emotionally and psychologically, even to the surrounding people.

He would give a helping hand to brothers and friends who fucked themselves up sometimes and do not even care.

I believe only in helping people who helps themselves.

He is firm and think that things are his way, and in the sense that he is always right, sometimes to the point as if the world revolves around whatever he think he is.. just sometimes.

I am fickle-minded sometimes, because I believe nothing is absolute in this world.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Additional Resolution 2012

17. Kill tilt.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

2011 Review & 2012 Resolutions!

Will leave my Harbin trip to next post, otherwise would be too wordy!

Gonna review my 2011 resolutions first. Below is the list of 2011 resolution extracted from last year post.

- More precious time with baby.
Could do better!

- Daily 20.2 Rule – 20 minutes of trading analysis, 2 hours of poker (reading up/playing). I believe to improve in certain areas I want to focus on, I need to spend these least amount of time doing it everyday. Of cuz there might be busy or important day where I may miss this, but that is the least target I should aim to achieve.
Achieved.

- No buy cigarette, don’t smoke / take from others.
Failed.

- Avoid Singapore pools.
Failed.

- Get back my IPPT silver.
Failed.

- Make a new spects + contact lens (wan to try it) – this spects’ failing me, i hope the nextime i measure my degree is not >300.
Achieved.

- Fucking graduate from that shit-hole by the very nextime I open my exam results – June 2011. This school shit is shortening my life.
Achieved.

- Next level of savings target to achieve
Failed.

- Do our best to keep fit and healthy – more jogging and less junkies. Less meat.
Half half.

- Less destructive thoughts, control my temper and not let it loose.
Failed.

- No special thoughts on animals yet, we’re active, alive, and kicking ass. Maybe pray for their well-beingness as every one had a bitch fucking 2010. more heart-to-heart session so that we can pick one another up when we are down.
I guess so!

- More pokerstars and jogging with boon thu ali.
Achieve right.

- Smooth at work please and a reasonable bonus to compensate our fucked up bonus scheme.
so-so.

- iMac + simple computer table.
Achieved.

- More time with my fishes.
Failed.

- Maintain my time spent with family, and more with baby’s family hopefully.
With family yes, baby family I failed.

- Watch Transformers 3
Achieved.

———————

Ok very weak achievement I have over 2011. Only 7 out of 17 achieved. Here comes 2012:

1. Maintain better relationship with baby.
2. More focus on trading than poker. probably 60/40 this year.
3. No buy cigarette.
4. Avoid Singapore pools.
5. IPPT Silver
6. Find a job I love!
7. Start my savings & my plan for next 2-3 years.
8. Daily sit up & push up, regular jogging.
9. Meditate my mind regularly and purge negative thoughts.
10. More time with animals.
11. More time with fishes.
12. More time with family & baby family.
13. Less time on twitter & facebook.
14. Less meat, more veggie.
15. Read & clear more of my books.
16. Keep things simple.

Thats all I can think of for now.

Happy New Year !

Some Post Unemployed Days Updates

November was the only month of this year I missed out blogging. Surprising since I am jobless ever since the 18th. (Can’t help but to turn on the music writing this, not the emo ones though) Anyway wordpress has been a lot of changes and I barely catching up with it.

Well, so far being jobless has been happy for me. I love what I am doing every day, although I don’t have a fixed income for doing some thing which I don’t really like. I hope there will be a day where I do what I love like right now, and have an abundance of salary.

Thank god I have Mom & Dad’s full support (sitting infront of the comp for hours), needless to say baby’s full support too. Showing results for first two weeks has been a good start for me, in terms of trading though.

Its been the best moment of my trading journey since August 2009. People (like me) approach and have a mentally of trading where one must win (and only win), and get out. An approach I feel as if a casanova having a one night stand with a girl and run away.

But it is not. Trading is a life time. A full relationship. You enjoy the happiness, the pleasure, you take the pain along the way up, you know yourself and each other better. Over these two years, besides learning forex trading, I learned my character a lot. Everyone has their own way of trading. Over time, I found out mine, in relates to my personality.

Nobody succeeds in trading in a full winnings uphill.

It moves up down up down, but an uptrend. We learn to take loss, calculated risk along the way up. People new to trading tend to think I don’t want to lose, is there a sure-win method?

As the saying goes: everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.

As for poker, I am currently experience the dying moments. I hate to say this, really. But it really got me. Those bad beats and losses really put me off. I had a break for the past 4 days and had a slightly good come back today.

Although my daily costs have been cut down tremendously, but monthly fixed expenses are still there. So I have to get a job somehow. House will be here in a few years I need CPF and savings. If only I can make consistent money, I really happy what I am doing now.

Right nw my thoughts is to find a job that I would really enjoy. Let fate decides. Will start the hunting from January 2012. Cuz 22nd Dec of the month of I will be off to Harbin, China for about a week, with my parents and baby. Heard its gonna be close to -30 deg, my god.

I really hope a nice and safe trip for us. A good getaway with parents as I havent travelled anywhere far with them ever since I was studying partime. Baby deserve a good break too after her intensive exams. Though gonna miss some x’mas party here with my friends and cousins.

Its late now and I have to go to sleep and embrace a brand new week.

Too Many Questions Lately

So many WHY’s, too little BECAUSEs..

So what?

I see opportunity.

They see waste,

I see chance..

I see hardship..

I see failures..

I see victories..

I’m prepared to be wrong (or right).

…

But I know..

I won’t see regret.

HX.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Diving Into The Clouds

Trying to get my momentum back in trading. Still, not easy. Nassim Taleb says, buying & selling is easier than frying an egg. Indeed, it is so easy when u hv some capital. But to optimize it and moving up profitably is a totally different story.

How will I fare the next few months? I’ll trying my best. But will still seek a job out after a break for certain reason. And hopefully it will be somewhere with value-add for my future.

Poker arena is uncertain. But I do enjoy it. I am still at break-even but I know I am improving. I enjoy learning from every single mistake I made, and also every successfully strategy I undertook.

I been on high & low swings n & taking more calculated risks. I also do not take losses that hard anymore because I know losses are part of the journey up.

As for work, people have their reasons to leave. And in my company’s case, the reasons are infinite. Their reasons aren’t mine, and vice versa.

Leaving is a matter of time.. Let me make the best out of these time.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

All The Voices In My Head

Just made a major decision of my life – I quit my job.

Great! So?

- I quit, without a job offer.

WHAT!? WHY!?

- I don’t know.

You serious?

- Yes.

Why don’t wait for bonus? Why don’t quit until you find a job offer? Your savings deplete how? Economy crisis is coming back again you know? Very hard to find a job without a job you know? Don’t you have housing to come in another few years? And on…

- Cuz’ this is just the way I am.

=========================================================================

It was an early departure. Somehow I feel out of place there since-I-don’t-know-when. Almost all my friends left. And then some things did happened about a month ago, and I see light, I see change. Up the heaven I went, and down to earth I fall. Its greater than killing me on the floor.

Now I know what my friends meant when they were rejected (I didn’t but felt so) in a place.

It became a dead-end.

I could find a job then go I know, but its not like I will be slacking off my time. I love to have some time off and re-group, know what I really want to do, and where to go. But I still want to go now.

==============================================================

I remember when I was very young, not even into Kindergarten. Mum brings me everywhere she go. I follow her everywhere she go, even up till this very day. Whenever she bought stuff, she occasionally passed me the change, asking me to keep and save them – cultivating a saving habit in me. I always did.

There was once, she handed me the old blue one-dollar note during our outing, a note you seldom got to see nowadays. As it was my money, I told her I want to use it to buy something-I-forgot. She said NO. I said it is now my money, I want to BUY! She said NO! ..FINE!

What is it for if I can’t use my own money? On our way back, walk passed a metal gated drain on the floor, I dropped the note into it like dropping notes into piggy bank. My mum was so agitated. We were squatting and looking down the note deep inside the drain, helpless.

I remember the scene to this day, and regret it till now. haha. Family n relatives don’t call me stubborn for nothing.

And this is just the way I am.